Goodbye holiday...hello work..

Tomorrow is the beginning of the new semester.

Which means..back to work.

Lecture, research, mark, counsel, admin work, cycle starts again.

I want more breaks...:( Sorry friends, if I didn't reply any work emails. I just need a break.

Haishh....

Think positive of the things need to be done at work...

New Year is coming soon in exactly...4 more days!

need to write out my new resolutions! Next post...what I have achieved this year.:)

A Christmas Tree and a dog called Primo

Today is the most exciting day of the week..ok, the week just started, exaggerated a bit.

My leave starts today until Christmas day (only..) and maybe I will extend til Monday. Anyway, this morning I finally put up my Christmas tree!!!!yeah!!!!! With Sydney just next to me, I decorated my tree with silver ornaments + gold leaves + some other colourful ornaments. I put two coffee tables together and covered them with a green velvet cloth then, I put the Christmas tree on the two tables.waaah...lagi tinggi.heheh...Now it's up, so what it needs next is presents. FYI, I have yet to start my Christmas shopping.ok, tomorrow lah. I'm just happy that it's up and the lights are so colourful. I'm thinking of adding another set of lights, muahahahahaha...

Next, around 4 pm, I picked up Primo from one of the local pet shops nearby. He's a German Sheppard dog and he's just three months old. My other half decided to take him home after we saw him yesterday in the pet shop. Though he's just three months, he's already quite tall, but a bit skinny. When I arrived at the pet shop today, the shop assistant took Primo out of his cage and let him go. I quickly called him to come to me, but he was not familiar with me yet and so he just went around the shop, happy that he has been freed from his small cage. I caught him when he got to where I stood and "introduced" myself by rubbing his head and spoke to him in a calm voice.  Then, he reached out to me by standing on his two feet and started to lick me for a few seconds. After that, he got down and run around the shop again. One of the shop assistants had to hold him for me while I made the payments and bought his essential things like leash, some food and food bowl. I was talking to my other half on the phone to explain about the payments in the shop then suddenly I just realised that he was staring at me with a very curious look. I just smiled at him...his ears are long and both were standing up so straight.

Later, I put him in the backseat of my car with the help of the shop assistant and prayed that he wouldn't jump around in the car. And so, we were off to my home while waiting for my other half to pick him up after work. Miraculously, he was very obedient. A few times I checked him using my rear view mirror while I was driving on the way back, he was either sitting on one side of the seat while looking outside or just plain lying down. But, I could see that he was still nervous about the whole thing. Like...as if he's thinking..What's going on?Where is this old lady bringing me to?hahahaha.. When we reached home, I opened the door for him to come out, but he refused to. Sydney, my other dog, was in the parking area. She was curious of what was going on in my car. I called Primo out, then after some time, he jumped out. Sydney was excited...She barked a few times then she moved towards Primo to "sniff" him. Primo was scared, he wanted to jump into the car again.kesian....masih baby....scared of 'little' Sydney.

I gave him some water for him to drink then I let him move around the compound. Slowly, he explored, sniffing around and then he quickly went back to me. He was still scared about the new environment. I wanted to go inside the house to get some water for myself and when I was about to enter the house, he wanted to follow me in. I had to stop him from doing so, so I shut the door grill so that he couldn't come in. Boy, he was jumping up and down and whining and pushing the door grill while I was inside the house. So, I had to bring my cup along and stood outside the house to be with him. One time, he was sitting between my legs...awww...

My other half came around 6pm. I told him to come to the parking area of my house to "introduce" himself to Primo. Introduction didn't take much time. Primo was licking him just after a minute. It was like as if both of them had known each other for a long time and they were now reunited.hahahha..

After a while, it was time to say goodbye to Primo. He will now be brought to his new, permanent home and that's where he's gonna stay. I placed some towels on the backseat of my other half's care to prepare him for his ride. After that, my other half put him into the car. I said my goodbye by rubbing his head and cheeks for a few seconds then I closed the door. I said goodbye to my other half and the next thing I know, both men are gone. I just smiled...I think they're gonna be just fine.

I hope to meet him again and see how much he has grown.:)

What a great day. A Christmas tree and a dog that has a new home..:) :)

Letting it all out...

Haven't been able to blog for a while...been busy..and having a mental block over some work.

Have you ever been in a situation that you always think about unnecessary stuff in which resulted you cause someone or people to get so worried?

Have you ever been so insecure about your life that you wished that your friends or family would never go away?

Have you ever wished that your life is like a fairy tale and everything else is so easy to do?

Have you ever wished that people would just understand that you want to have a break?

Have you ever pushed someone to their limits over something?

Have you ever wished people would stop asking you when are you going to settle down?

I have...for most of the questions...I have. I have never felt so down like this in my life at this moment. I just wished that people would be able to understand what I want and what I don't want in my life. I may look happy, because I'm good at hiding that with my wide smile. Only God knows how low my level of happiness right now, which reminds me I haven't been to church for quite sometime.

Why is it sometimes you just can't get what you want?You worked your a** out...you waited...you've gone through the same thing..but then, you are still stuck where you are. Then, you see others so easily get what they want without much effort.

As someone who is extra emotional, thanks to PMS, you need some love.When you need some, people say you're too demanding. I don't need money..I can afford an LV..so money is not a problem for me..I just need some love. Susah ka?

I don't want to let people down..especially the ones I love.Sometimes I hurt them unintentionally with my words. Sometimes, I speak without thinking (ada ka?). But I speak the truth and sometimes, truth does hurt and I wished to take back all those things that had been said because I let them feel bad.

I just hope people would stop asking me when I will settle down especially during weddings. Seriously, I don't know. Not that I don't care..I just don't know. I love the person that I am with wholeheartedly right now and I do wish that he would propose to me one day. But, I don't know when he's going to do that. I do want to get married and settle down and have 4 kids. Have I discussed about this? yes..am I pushing him? With all the pressure around me, yes. Am I pushing him to the limits? I think I am and I may be pushing MY own self to the limits by all this pressure. There you go..I think too much. So help me not think by stop asking me when I will get married. That's a research question that can't be solved by anyone, even those nobel prize winners. There's no methodology that can be applied to help to solve the question. So yeah...stop asking. I don't want to lose him.

I try to please people in every way that I can..do my job as good as I manage to..be a good listener..be a good friend...be a good daughter...etc...etc...etc...But it seems everything is just plain not enough for some. Some people want more from me and sometimes the things they want is something that I can't do, but I just can't say no cause I'm scared that I would hurt their feelings...or I show that I can't perform well.

I want to have a break, but I still have some work to do. A Merry Xmas indeed for me.

My day in the US embassy Kuala Lumpur

Had my US visa interview today...and I passed it and need to collect the visa and my passport tomorrow. (yey!!)

 After delaying for weeks to settle my visa, finally I got it and I thought it was tough to get through the interview. I was prepared, alright..paid my visa fee (twice!!please don't ask me why...sob sob...), prepared all the necessary documents, which despite all the preparation, the guy at the counter didn't even bother to look at my very neat,organised clear holder file. It is even more organize than my fail meja, okay?

Woke up at 6.10am, got ready by 6.45am and off to the embassy. Thanks to Pame and her fiance, I reached the embassy before 8am. There weren't many people at the gate, I think it was less than 3. So, we all entered the security room for body and bag inspection process. The process was like the one we go through in the departure hall. I had to leave my handphone with the security guard because it is not allowed to be brought into the building. But, no need to worry, everyone was given a tag for the items they leave with the security guard. After that, I was allowed to enter the compound area of the embassy. I didn't really notice the compound because I was already nervous about what questions they will ask me later.  

Are you thinking of bombing US once you get in the country? 

-No..I don't know where to buy a bomb or make one-

Do you think you are smart enough to present a paper at the reknown university?

-A bit..is that enough to answer the question?-

Do you think you have enough money to buy a cup of Starbuck's coffee in US?

-My university will sponsor me that-

Do you think....

-yes?-

Okay, enough of the nonsense..Continue with my walk to the main building. Okay, once I enter, there's another security guard. This guard looked very garang. He instructed everyone to enter the door of the building one by one as he need to check again the contents inside our bags and each of us need to go through the body screen machine,again. Then, each of us were given a ticket. My number was 35.pheww...at least it's less than 50.

We all entered the waiting room. Aaahh...then, I saw a lot of people. But, still okay lah..maybe around 15 people in the room. I waited about 10 minutes or so, then I heard my number was called. Just like the one in the bank. Okay, I went to another room across the previous one. Aaaaaaaaaahhhh...more people. I think it was about 30 or so.I had to go to a counter (just like in the bank) and pass all the necessary documents : passport, appointment letter, fee receipt and application form (itu sahaja). Then, the lady behind the counter (and window glass) told me to sit down and wait for another call. There were 9 counters all together.

Everyone was with their documents, flipping through once in a while, checking their tickets, staring at the muted TV (not watching, staring) and waited for their turn. I, on the other hand, started to bite my nails. The interview was done in that room at counters 2, 3 and 4. So, I and the most of the people in the room, could here what kind of questions they ask. All the questions are different, and so, made it more difficult to predict what the interviewer will ask ME later. But, I observe that for those who plans to visit US in one family, the interview time was longer compared to those traveling alone. The interviewers could even speak Mandarin to the applicants. I was amazed because the interviewer is an ang moh. Boleh tahan...

After about 15 minutes, I heard my number was called. I proceed to counter 9 and had my fingers scanned. Finish that, the lady told me to sit down and wait again for my number to be called...belum abis gik.. Then, I sat down next to an old Indian lady. She greeted me and we started to chat for the next half an hour. She was traveling alone, too to the US to visit her son and attend a seminar. She asked me lots of questions and told stories about her life...hahaha..and she told me that I'm very young to travel alone to the US.HUH?young indeed...hey, lady...I'm old enough to get married and have 10 children. I didn't say that..I just smiled at her. :P

I lost track of time, and suddenly my number was called again. Ok, here goes the interview..at counter 4. An old guy..looked garang, too. When I got to his counter, he said this..

Old guy :  You look excited...

Me : Yes...

Old guy : and nervous..

Me : hehe..yes...this is my first time applying..

Old guy : Well, don't be..Okay, what subject do you teach?

Me :  erm, Mathematics.

Old guy : How much is your salary per month?

Me : -- -- -.

Old guy : Okay, do you have a boyfriend, a fiance?

Me: hahha..oh, I laughed out loud..

Old guy : It's okay..it's okay to laugh? So?

Me: Erm...fiance, no..boyfriend, yes..hahaha..

Old guy : You didnt expect this kind of question?

Me: No..hehe...

Old guy : Okay, so, what is it about your paper your presenting in San Francisco? It's a very nice place and a good university.

Me: It's on mathematical model of malaria....blablabla...

Old guy : okay... (I think he doesn't get what I said)...So how long have you been in UNIMAS?

Me : Five years (2004-2009)

Old guy: Okay, just a question.. Do you think, you are more of a Malaysian or a Sarawak (ian)?

Me: erm.. I would say, Sarawakian..

Old guy: yeah, I thought so, too. The people over there really get along very well..bla..bla..bla..So, the 1Malaysia concept doesn't get to you, yet?

Me: erm..No.hehehe..

Old guy : It's okay...just a general question. anyway, have a nice trip, I'm sure you'll love San Francisco.

Me: Oh, thank you...have a nice day!

Old guy : you, too.

So.......that was my conversation with the old guy. Less than 5 minutes. Didn't even look at my file..hayah...anyway, luckily I got through it.

Tomorrow have to go to Wisma MCA to get my passport and visa..hayah...

Next Sunday, 20 hours flight to US!arghhhhh.....Think positive, Sarah...think positive..

Adios :)

Fell out and in....LOVE

I fell out of love for someone whom I thought I would end up marrying, a few months ago. Well, the relationship was already rocky for quite sometime already. I just didn't have the courage to end it much earlier and neither did he. But, you just knew something wasn't right when you start to push yourself to understand the other person, where as, you forgot to understand your own self...about what you really want and how you want the person to understand you.

Telling you endlessly to have patience and...wait.

Yeah...I waited alright. But, when there's no more effort / plan to be with / see you a.k.a commitment a.k.a I want to focus on my work right now, don't you think it's time to leave? And not only that... I didn't feel any love anymore but only sadness.

I respect those who could be in a relationship (not marriage) for a long time, and still end up marrying and live happily ever after. But, I didn't think I could stay any longer (plus it's a long distant relationship).

And so, I fell out of love and I was the one who got the courage to actually end the relationship. It was tough, going through it on your own...not telling anyone, but thanks to family, workload, and friends...I survived. For the first few weeks, I thought I made a wrong decision, looking for signs for me to go back to him but, I didn't see any and nothing showed me that I made a wrong decision. Instead, I felt so much relieve that I don't have to think about him.

I didn't want to tell anyone, but, what the heck...let bygones be bygones.

Then, now...a few months later...not a few...just recently...am no more single...

Never thought I would fall for this guy. But, yeah..I did and still am. How long this thing will last? Not sure....I fell out, and there may be possibility to fall out again, too. But, I will not let it happen again because of the obstacles I went through to be with this one (and more to come).

As long as I know what I want and I am happy (veeeerrrrrrryyyyyyyy)....then, who knows? We plan, but God will be the one who decides everything.

Bak kata cerita Melayu, "Kalau dah jodoh, takkan ke mana2..." Tapi, mun sikda effort nak cari, or plan mok kawen, jodoh ya sampei bila-bila lah jadi jodoh ajak.

Wish me luck! :)