Stop trying to have everything go your way. That's not how life works.

There are so many things in life (almost 29 years of my life) in which I thought I could control. I determine my own future, I determine my hopes and I determine my dreams. But, after analyzing my past....

When I was 7 years old, my ambition was to be an architect (even I didn't even know what is an architect..the word sounds bombastic at that time when my teacher asked me what i wanted to be when I grow up)

When I was 15 years old, I changed my ambition to become a doctor. Well, I got a 7 for my Biology in SPM. I dare not pursue.,..I can't even differentiate kodok and katak.... so I changed to engineer..WOW...

When I was 19 years old, my grades were not good to enter engineering, so I got Science instead and took up Computational Mathematics. I have no idea what was going on that time. I seriously don't know what I would work as after I graduate. Seriously...I was devastated.

But, I took the courses, failed a few courses, got up again, and then...graduated with an OK-lah result. Now, I still don't know what job to apply. Uh-huh...yep...doomed..

I wanted to become an engineer, but, I can't as I'm not qualified..so, I thought, hmm..maybe I should work around engineers..haaaaaaaa...apply Shell...haa...a lot of engineers...Teeettttt...failed the final stage interview.hahaha..oh well..takda nasib. Two weeks later, I got an interview in my current workplace. Then, what...wait lah...almost three months of waiting, so, I thought...hmm..takda nasib..might as well tanam anggur and lemak. Then...just 1 day before the end of the third month of waiting (coz they say, if you wait for three months, and no answer from the them, considered as bubbye), I got a call from them and told me to report duty. Wahhhh... I just got my DL, and so...I drove (60km/h - 70km/h) in my rented Kancil, I called it rented because the car was still under my sis's name, to my workplace on the day I reported for duty.

So, here I am...5 years working in the same organization. Accepted that I can't be what I wanted to be (architect, doctor, engineer) and I actually can't really control my future,hopes and dreams. I just work through what I think is best for me.

And especially, one thing I learn....just let go and let God. Let Him decide what is best for me. I'm not planning to just sit down and do nothing. I just have to do the best that I can do for myself and satisfy my own needs and let God guide me. About love?well...I wanted to marry Brad Pitt, don't know if I still have the chance or not to propose to him. As I said, I will let go of my upmost worries and let God. Who knows?Anything is possible.

Gam Hutan's quote

Something to ponder...

"Life is like a durian...all thorny but smells great. Once cracked open with all the pain left on the fingers, if you're lucky, you'll get good biji...if not, you'll get bad biji..when you get bad biji, you just have to get rid of the durian and move on to the next durian to try you're luck again."

Yesterday morning, I woke up and thought about Forrest Gump's quote in the self-titled movie. "Life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you're gonna get". I bet you will say, yes, the quote is true. But, for today's chocolate boxes, there are labels to say what flavour they are, what colour (dark, white, green?), what kind of nuts and EVEN there is an expiry date behind the box. So, basically, you know what you're gonna get from a box of chocolates.

But durian...you see..you buy the fruit from a durian stall, you have to ask the seller, which one is good. 

Seller : Ini bagutt..ini ..ini...semua lah bagut..baru simalam amik dari kebun punya.. (while scratching his naked back with a machete (parang). 

Buyer : betul ka?

Seller : Betul...amik ini...ada bau kuat punya..neh..saya sudah buka satu ini..(using the machete which he used to scratch his back)

Buyer : Oklah..saya angkat ini satu (pointing randomly at one of the durians, still unsure)

So, possibility of getting a delicious and yummy durian is still unknown. Until, you open it up. The process of opening it up includes, using a machete a.k.a parang and a cloth to hold the fruit to avoid cuts on your fingers.if no cloth nearby, nasib lah...pandai-pandailah...so, it's like the beginning of life, you struggle to do things that you would think would be beneficial to your life ahead...work, family, love, and many things. You use methods and techniques that you think will help you to get to the life that you wanted.

When the technique is right, you'll succeed in opening up the durian. Aaahh...here, you'll see whether the biji-biji you get are all in good condition or not. It all depends on your luck. If you're lucky, you'll get the whole thing good and yummy to be enjoyed. If you're partially lucky, which means either the fruits are not so tasty, one way to improve the taste is to make tempoyak or, the best way out is...throw away the fruit. If you're not lucky, you'll get the whole thing bad as in with the worms and all. Not safe to eat...throw it away. Get a new durian.

It's like life..if you're lucky, you get what you want and be happy. If you're partially lucky, you need to improve the life that you have by adding new spices to get the right 'taste' in life and THEN...be happy. And, if you're unlucky, you just have to throw the life that you have now and start fresh. Let go of the life that is not gonna work no matter what spice you put in or whatever ways you want to improve it, it won't make any difference.

I stand with this quote about durian as representing life. I call it the new quote by Gam Hutan. Maybe I should  ask some local movie writer to use this quote in his/her movie. hehehe..

Jian kenin.

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus

I was suggested by someone to read the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus by John Gray. I googled on this book and I was laughing my head off when I read some notes of the book. See if you are ...

The point system

Gray suggests that men and women count (or score) the giving and receiving of love differently. Men tend to give larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points etc.) for what they think are Big Acts, while women give each act of love one point at a time. According to Gray, women tend to keep a Points System that few men are aware of. Men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in a relationship and if the balance becomes off and one person feels they have given more than they have been given to, resentment flu develops. This is a time when communication is very important to help bring the relationship back into balance.

Example: A man might count a $200 present as 20 points and helping her to carry a heavy bag as 1 point (or he may not even assign any point to the latter), but a woman may count these acts as only 1 point each.

For her, the total sum of points comes from different aspects. For example: - the different parts of the environment where the present is given each get 1 point (candles, music, privacy, location etc.) - the card gets 1 point, - flowers get 1 point, - if he tells her "I love you" in the morning it is 1 point, - if he sincerely takes a moment to notice her and tells her "You look beautiful" in the evening it is 1 point, - if he hugs her, it is 1 point, - the gift itself gets 1 point.

Men and women are often surprised to find the scoring method is different. Most men are not even aware that all women "keep score".

The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks his work has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the female has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly. Men tend to think they can do one Big Thing for her (scoring 50 points) and not do anything else. They assume the woman will be satisfied with it.

To the woman, she would rather have many many Little Acts on a regular basis. The reason is that women like to think their man is thinking of them and cares for them on a regular basis.

Comments: I didn't even realize this. Actually, it's quite true for my case. I am like that. It's in my nature and it's in the nature for men to be like what is being explained up here.

The cave and the wave

Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the way they react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or spend time with friends. The point of retreating is to take time to determine a solution. What is known is that men in their caves are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand, many times this is a "time-out" of sorts to allow them to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus on something else. Gray posits that this allows them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.

Gray holds that this retreat into the cave has historically been hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their natural reaction is to talk about issues (even if talking does not solve the problem). This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman tries to grow closer. According to Gray this becomes a major source of conflict between any man and woman.

The "wave" is a term Gray uses to describe a natural cycle for women that is centered around their abilities to give to other people. He claims that when they feel full of love and energy to give to others their wave is in a stable place. As they give to others (and don't receive the same amount of love and attention given to them in return) their wave begins to grow until it eventually crashes. This is a time when a woman needs the love, listening, understanding and reassurance of those around her (including self love). Gray holds that once she is rejuvenated (by getting the support she needs) she is able to rise like a wave and once again has love and energy to give. Men must support this natural cycle by not being threatened by it or telling her why she should not feel this way.

Men can simply listen to her, constantly reassure her of his love/commitment/monogamy or take a few chores off her back (just a few simple chores will do). Most men get threatened because they think, "Why can't she be happy?" or think she is blaming him, but that is not the case.

Comments: I didn't know that there is a cave. No wonder lah... I am acting like the woman being described here. I thought I was abnormal. It has already been written by Mr. John! 

There's a lot more on the book. This one I extracted from Wikipedia. There are various reviews/critics about his book. Some said that the solutions that were suggested by this guy actually turning the guys to be a whimp.hahahahaha...But, some made good comments such as women (like me) should not be so worried if men cannot give full attention. And men should be able to compromise with women / give and take. I personally like the point system. I was laughing and thought about it..hmmm...everything about the grading is true. Nothing can please a woman enough. 

For example : A guy would think buying plastic flowers is enough because it's show everlasting love...Women...what do you think?....Exactly...(what???plastic flowers aa...why kenot buy fresh flowers?when it rots to death, can buy again mah) 

See...cheering myself up,here :) Adios amigos.

:'(

Drops of tears rolling down my cheeks...
Tried to stop them..but, I can't because I'm too weak...
I tried not to think...but, I can't because...I don't know why..

I wished I could've been a better person...
and learn to be more understanding...
and not to be selfish...

I guess it's now too late to turn back the clock...
of what I have done..
and now this is the price I have to pay...

These tears are still stubborn...
keeps on falling down my chubby cheeks...

How long shall I pay?for the lifetime, I think...

Is this because of my selfish mouth when I speak?

I don't want to hurt anyone anymore...

not now...

not ever...

I have lost in this game again...

Today...

I have done something wrong...

Now, hope time will heal.

Forgetting the past and looking forward for the future

Dear dear...how time flies (and age increasing, yikes)

2009...

A year full of many events happened in my plain life.

Sorrow, joy, happiness, heartache...full package all in one.

January 2009...emotionally recuperating after the death of Aba Jang...beloved son, brother, uncle and granduncle to the family.

February 2009...most favourite Grandma, laid to rest. Though she is gone, she is never forgotten. I still have her name with me. Mid-February, Sindy got married. She broke the curse..hehe..hopefully more good news from her this year.

March 2009...work..work...

April 2009..stressed..work..

May 2009..Went touring with Pamelyn to Europe. Had the best time of my life looking at beautiful places and buildings. Then later, the end of the month...I just couldn't take it anymore..that's it...Lie still, lie still, my breaking heart...My silent heart, lie still and break.

June 2009...work..work...

July 2009...stressed peaked.

August 2009...fell for a guy..begins a new love.:)

September 2009...work again...travel to Miri, Bario and Long Lamai. An eye opener for me about rural communities.

October 2009...Flew to San Francisco. Hated the long flight...the place, hmm..I love Paris more.:)

November 2009...more work..travel..yet, very happy.:)

December 2009...Amy got married, yey! Wonderful wedding and had a great time dancing with colleagues at her reception.hahaha..Biam got married to Jay (*wink*) Finally that alway-bullying-me-since-i-was-four guy is settling down. Had a wonderful time with family on Christmas day..Aba Jang..wished you were with us.


2010..what's in it for me?

My new year's resolutions??hmmm...been trying to write them down according to priorities...too many of them.Oh well, just go with the flow..Life is like a box of chocolate, you'll never know what you're gonna get. But the most important thing to do in my life, love myself more..

-Peace out-