Je suis perdu!!

It means I'm lost...

Let me tell you my misadventure of looking for La Poste office.

Ok, La Poste is the local post office here in France and I was expecting my parcels to arrive from Malaysia. I've got some important books (more french books) and papers that I needed.  Anyway, most of the time, as my friend told me, the parcels are sent directly to the residence's office by the postman and then we'll pick it up from there. I got my parcels a week and half after my sister sent to our Pos Malaysia..but, I only collected one from the residence's office. I got a ticket from La Poste to pick the other one. You must wonder how did I manage to read the ticket..10 minutes of translating word for word using a dictionary and double confirm from a nice lady at the office. 

Me : Je ne sais pas...errr...La Poste (while pointing at the adress on the ticket)

Nice lady : Aaa...oui....(speaks in french)

Me : *blink*blink*blank*

Nice lady : You speak english?

Me : Yes! merci.

Nice lady : ok, aaaa...you walk out of the residence..turn left and walk straight..ermm..do you know Dia?

(Dia is a small grocery store nearby)

Me : Yes!

Nice lady : ok, aaa it's just behind Dia..not so far from 'ere.

Me : Ok, thanks.

The next day, at 10.00 am on Friday (Vendredi) morning, I decided to look for the La Poste myself. 

Ok, walking in Grenoble is great because the town is flat and the weather is cold so you don't feel tired easily. But, an Iban that doesn't know how to speak french and not knowing the place, yet, the journey is going to be difficult. So, I walk up the road and found Dia and then I turn in to the parking area and walk behind the store, hoping La Poste to be behind the store. Hah...I thought and hoped wrong...All I saw was a park with kid's playground and more residential homes. On my right was a few rows of shophouses. So, I thought, maybe La Poste was in one of the shophouses. Teeeetttt..nope...I was wrong again. Sh*t..I don't know where's the %@&!*! post office. 

Then, I saw a La Poste van passed by.  So, I followed....but actually, the van was delivering parcels. Takkan la I follow the van until he finishes his round? Then I saw a postwoman on a bicycle. 

Me : Pardon, excuse-moi, madame!

Postwoman : *looked annoyed* Oui? (maybe I should've called her mademoiselle,instead of madame)

Me :Où errr.... La Poste? (while pointing at the address on the ticket)

Postwoman : Aaaa.....(speaks french)....à gauche...(speaks french)....dernier...(speaks french)..à gauche....La Poste.

Me : errr....à gauche... dernier...

Postwoman : Oui, (speaks french)

Me : D'accord, merci...*blank face*

Ok, the keywords I caught from her was left, behind and then left...greaaat...

So, I walked straight passed the shophouses (can't turn left) and the park (can't be at the park) and passed some flats. Then, I saw a lady walking her big dog and decided to ask her for directions. 

Me : Excuse-moi, mademoiselle?

Lady with dog : Oui! (looked happy this time)

I repeated the same sentences I used before. Note that I don't have enough vocabs. So, the lady told me to walk straight, and turn right (droit) and if I see a construction site, I should walk again..actually, I couldn't catch what she said la..but it was something like that. Anyway, I said merci and bid good day (bonne journée) and continued my adventure. Ok, I turned right then....I saw two construction sites. One on my left, and another one across the road....oh...no..So I just walked straight til I reached the end of the junction. So one construction on my left and one in front...hmmm...should I cross the road, or should I stay on this side and walk up?

Then, suddenly the same lady appeared the other end of the junction to my right and she saw me and I just smiled. I walked up to her and said, "Je suis perdu..." She just laughed and pointed construction site across the road and said something in french and La Poste. I thanked her again and crossed the street.

As I walked pass the site, I saw a pharmacie to my left. This was the pharmacie which the postwoman explained earlier..sigh... and.....in front of me...a small sign said, La Poste!!!Oh, I was so happy to find La Poste!!! I wanted to just run and open the door and hug the La Poste man!! wanted...ok..wanted..

Alright, so, I showed the guy at the counter the ticket and he just said, ahh..and picked my box behind the counter and said voila! I signed, said merci and off I walked happily back home with my box.

Oh, what an adventure... I told my adventure to a few of my malaysian friends here and they told me to always bring a pen and paper and tell them to draw for me if I don't understand. *very important note, Sarah*


Ok, à bientot! I end my entry with the stamps my sister had to buy.hehehe...

X-ray of Malaysia stamps

au revoir!

Fuh..fuh....dusting off my blog

Hey it's 2012!jeezzzzz...it's been a while (very long while) since I laid my hands on you, Mr blog. I guess, I'm now bored and living alone abroad. Did I say abroad? yeah... gonna do my last stage of degree, PhD my man!

Alright, enough of that. It's exactly 11 days in Grenoble, France. So far, I'm confused over many things. Blame it on not understanding the language. I regretted not paying attention and skipping Rudolph's classes last year. Some of the phrases that I am familiar are only Je ne sais pas and Désole, je ne comprend pas français..oh and je ne parle français...not forgetting, oui and non. I just found out that ouverture means opening (very important to know this especially if you want to know the opening hours of shops) and acheter means buy. I can't wait to go for a french class next month. Why next month? Read on..

First, I've learnt that I need to complete my charte de thése which means thesis charter. That took me about three days to complete as I had to do other things: first, get a mac adress so that I can access the internet from the lab/office. Then, I had to get an access card from the technician after I have the permission from another lady in the école doctorale of engineering, then presented (not introduced) myself or présente moi to another lady in école doctorale of mathematics to show her my certificates....oh, the procedures and the confusion... hanya Tuhan jak tauk.

Then, once I have settled in my shared office, then I started to do my charte de thése...discussed with my supervisor, he seems to have some ambitious ideas, I don't know whether I can do them, but he seems to be optimistic and has shown me where I can get help and gave me books to start reading. There are still other things that bother me especially about my data. I'm praying really hard that I can get that data. *crossfingers*

Ok, after I have finished my charte de thése ( I have to get used with this term), my supervisor presented (hehe) me to another lady, very nice one, she was the first one who greeted me with bienvenue en France which means welcome to France. Right...moving along.. her job is to get the signature from the head of the lab, and then, pass to me the charter and then pass to the lady in école doctorale of mathematics to get signature from the school...then....I can be registered as an official Phd student. Which, I hope will happen next week! oh goshhh.....so many procedures. This hasn't include my application for  health insurance, social security and responsibility (can you believe that!) insurance. My aim now is to get my carte d'étudiant or student card. Once I have that, then I can apply for CAF. It's a help for students who study in France but I'm not sure how much CAF will help me.

The OFII office which is the immigration office has not contacted me to go for an interview yet. That's another thing to worry. Apparently, they will interview in french and if I passed, then I will get my carte de séjour or residency permit card...see.....there's so many things to do..gosh, they just love paperwork. *bangs head on the wall*

Some said they managed to get all things done in 3 months and some said 6 months! I'm counting my days now til I get all things done. Sigh, I must be crazy to study here. Never a day that I did not ask myself, why in the world do you want to study in a country that you don't know the language. Oh well, I guess learning won't be fun if everything's the same thing...I haven't told you about recharging my prepaid for my mobile, yet. Oh, I'll take ages writing about it here. Just have to say I owe my officemates a lot..I can't understand what the operator said on the phone.

To end this entry, I have this cool picture (yerrdehhh) of my french for dummies books and cd box. Two of  are gifts from my sisters (gosh I miss my family :(   ) and one which I bought for myself. I've started with the cds, now moving forward to the not-so-thick book. Once I've mastered the not-so-thick book (oh, when is that going to happen...when?quand?), then I'll move to the thick book. huhu...I need to go to class...I want my carte d'étudiant..

p/s: you may find spelling mistakes, je suis désole. saya budak baru belajar. :D

Au revoir et à la prochaine...ciao.

Stop trying to have everything go your way. That's not how life works.

There are so many things in life (almost 29 years of my life) in which I thought I could control. I determine my own future, I determine my hopes and I determine my dreams. But, after analyzing my past....

When I was 7 years old, my ambition was to be an architect (even I didn't even know what is an architect..the word sounds bombastic at that time when my teacher asked me what i wanted to be when I grow up)

When I was 15 years old, I changed my ambition to become a doctor. Well, I got a 7 for my Biology in SPM. I dare not pursue.,..I can't even differentiate kodok and katak.... so I changed to engineer..WOW...

When I was 19 years old, my grades were not good to enter engineering, so I got Science instead and took up Computational Mathematics. I have no idea what was going on that time. I seriously don't know what I would work as after I graduate. Seriously...I was devastated.

But, I took the courses, failed a few courses, got up again, and then...graduated with an OK-lah result. Now, I still don't know what job to apply. Uh-huh...yep...doomed..

I wanted to become an engineer, but, I can't as I'm not qualified..so, I thought, hmm..maybe I should work around engineers..haaaaaaaa...apply Shell...haa...a lot of engineers...Teeettttt...failed the final stage interview.hahaha..oh well..takda nasib. Two weeks later, I got an interview in my current workplace. Then, what...wait lah...almost three months of waiting, so, I thought...hmm..takda nasib..might as well tanam anggur and lemak. Then...just 1 day before the end of the third month of waiting (coz they say, if you wait for three months, and no answer from the them, considered as bubbye), I got a call from them and told me to report duty. Wahhhh... I just got my DL, and so...I drove (60km/h - 70km/h) in my rented Kancil, I called it rented because the car was still under my sis's name, to my workplace on the day I reported for duty.

So, here I am...5 years working in the same organization. Accepted that I can't be what I wanted to be (architect, doctor, engineer) and I actually can't really control my future,hopes and dreams. I just work through what I think is best for me.

And especially, one thing I learn....just let go and let God. Let Him decide what is best for me. I'm not planning to just sit down and do nothing. I just have to do the best that I can do for myself and satisfy my own needs and let God guide me. About love?well...I wanted to marry Brad Pitt, don't know if I still have the chance or not to propose to him. As I said, I will let go of my upmost worries and let God. Who knows?Anything is possible.

Gam Hutan's quote

Something to ponder...

"Life is like a durian...all thorny but smells great. Once cracked open with all the pain left on the fingers, if you're lucky, you'll get good biji...if not, you'll get bad biji..when you get bad biji, you just have to get rid of the durian and move on to the next durian to try you're luck again."

Yesterday morning, I woke up and thought about Forrest Gump's quote in the self-titled movie. "Life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you're gonna get". I bet you will say, yes, the quote is true. But, for today's chocolate boxes, there are labels to say what flavour they are, what colour (dark, white, green?), what kind of nuts and EVEN there is an expiry date behind the box. So, basically, you know what you're gonna get from a box of chocolates.

But durian...you see..you buy the fruit from a durian stall, you have to ask the seller, which one is good. 

Seller : Ini bagutt..ini ..ini...semua lah bagut..baru simalam amik dari kebun punya.. (while scratching his naked back with a machete (parang). 

Buyer : betul ka?

Seller : Betul...amik ini...ada bau kuat punya..neh..saya sudah buka satu ini..(using the machete which he used to scratch his back)

Buyer : Oklah..saya angkat ini satu (pointing randomly at one of the durians, still unsure)

So, possibility of getting a delicious and yummy durian is still unknown. Until, you open it up. The process of opening it up includes, using a machete a.k.a parang and a cloth to hold the fruit to avoid cuts on your fingers.if no cloth nearby, nasib lah...pandai-pandailah...so, it's like the beginning of life, you struggle to do things that you would think would be beneficial to your life ahead...work, family, love, and many things. You use methods and techniques that you think will help you to get to the life that you wanted.

When the technique is right, you'll succeed in opening up the durian. Aaahh...here, you'll see whether the biji-biji you get are all in good condition or not. It all depends on your luck. If you're lucky, you'll get the whole thing good and yummy to be enjoyed. If you're partially lucky, which means either the fruits are not so tasty, one way to improve the taste is to make tempoyak or, the best way out is...throw away the fruit. If you're not lucky, you'll get the whole thing bad as in with the worms and all. Not safe to eat...throw it away. Get a new durian.

It's like life..if you're lucky, you get what you want and be happy. If you're partially lucky, you need to improve the life that you have by adding new spices to get the right 'taste' in life and THEN...be happy. And, if you're unlucky, you just have to throw the life that you have now and start fresh. Let go of the life that is not gonna work no matter what spice you put in or whatever ways you want to improve it, it won't make any difference.

I stand with this quote about durian as representing life. I call it the new quote by Gam Hutan. Maybe I should  ask some local movie writer to use this quote in his/her movie. hehehe..

Jian kenin.

Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus

I was suggested by someone to read the Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus by John Gray. I googled on this book and I was laughing my head off when I read some notes of the book. See if you are ...

The point system

Gray suggests that men and women count (or score) the giving and receiving of love differently. Men tend to give larger blocks of points (20, 30, 40 points etc.) for what they think are Big Acts, while women give each act of love one point at a time. According to Gray, women tend to keep a Points System that few men are aware of. Men and women each monitor the amount of give and take in a relationship and if the balance becomes off and one person feels they have given more than they have been given to, resentment flu develops. This is a time when communication is very important to help bring the relationship back into balance.

Example: A man might count a $200 present as 20 points and helping her to carry a heavy bag as 1 point (or he may not even assign any point to the latter), but a woman may count these acts as only 1 point each.

For her, the total sum of points comes from different aspects. For example: - the different parts of the environment where the present is given each get 1 point (candles, music, privacy, location etc.) - the card gets 1 point, - flowers get 1 point, - if he tells her "I love you" in the morning it is 1 point, - if he sincerely takes a moment to notice her and tells her "You look beautiful" in the evening it is 1 point, - if he hugs her, it is 1 point, - the gift itself gets 1 point.

Men and women are often surprised to find the scoring method is different. Most men are not even aware that all women "keep score".

The emotional stroke delivered by the sincere attention is as important as the value of the item. This can lead to conflict when a man thinks his work has earned 20 points and deserves appropriate recognition while the female has only given him 1 point and recognizes him accordingly. Men tend to think they can do one Big Thing for her (scoring 50 points) and not do anything else. They assume the woman will be satisfied with it.

To the woman, she would rather have many many Little Acts on a regular basis. The reason is that women like to think their man is thinking of them and cares for them on a regular basis.

Comments: I didn't even realize this. Actually, it's quite true for my case. I am like that. It's in my nature and it's in the nature for men to be like what is being explained up here.

The cave and the wave

Another major point of Gray's books are the differences in the way they react under stress. He believes that many men withdraw until they find a solution to the problem. He refers to this as "retreating into their cave." In some cases they may literally retreat, for example, to the garage or spend time with friends. The point of retreating is to take time to determine a solution. What is known is that men in their caves are not necessarily focused on the problem at hand, many times this is a "time-out" of sorts to allow them to distance themselves from the problems so their brains can focus on something else. Gray posits that this allows them to revisit the problem later with a fresh perspective.

Gray holds that this retreat into the cave has historically been hard for women to understand because when they are stressed their natural reaction is to talk about issues (even if talking does not solve the problem). This leads to a natural dynamic of the man retreating as the woman tries to grow closer. According to Gray this becomes a major source of conflict between any man and woman.

The "wave" is a term Gray uses to describe a natural cycle for women that is centered around their abilities to give to other people. He claims that when they feel full of love and energy to give to others their wave is in a stable place. As they give to others (and don't receive the same amount of love and attention given to them in return) their wave begins to grow until it eventually crashes. This is a time when a woman needs the love, listening, understanding and reassurance of those around her (including self love). Gray holds that once she is rejuvenated (by getting the support she needs) she is able to rise like a wave and once again has love and energy to give. Men must support this natural cycle by not being threatened by it or telling her why she should not feel this way.

Men can simply listen to her, constantly reassure her of his love/commitment/monogamy or take a few chores off her back (just a few simple chores will do). Most men get threatened because they think, "Why can't she be happy?" or think she is blaming him, but that is not the case.

Comments: I didn't know that there is a cave. No wonder lah... I am acting like the woman being described here. I thought I was abnormal. It has already been written by Mr. John! 

There's a lot more on the book. This one I extracted from Wikipedia. There are various reviews/critics about his book. Some said that the solutions that were suggested by this guy actually turning the guys to be a whimp.hahahahaha...But, some made good comments such as women (like me) should not be so worried if men cannot give full attention. And men should be able to compromise with women / give and take. I personally like the point system. I was laughing and thought about it..hmmm...everything about the grading is true. Nothing can please a woman enough. 

For example : A guy would think buying plastic flowers is enough because it's show everlasting love...Women...what do you think?....Exactly...(what???plastic flowers aa...why kenot buy fresh flowers?when it rots to death, can buy again mah) 

See...cheering myself up,here :) Adios amigos.

:'(

Drops of tears rolling down my cheeks...
Tried to stop them..but, I can't because I'm too weak...
I tried not to think...but, I can't because...I don't know why..

I wished I could've been a better person...
and learn to be more understanding...
and not to be selfish...

I guess it's now too late to turn back the clock...
of what I have done..
and now this is the price I have to pay...

These tears are still stubborn...
keeps on falling down my chubby cheeks...

How long shall I pay?for the lifetime, I think...

Is this because of my selfish mouth when I speak?

I don't want to hurt anyone anymore...

not now...

not ever...

I have lost in this game again...

Today...

I have done something wrong...

Now, hope time will heal.

Forgetting the past and looking forward for the future

Dear dear...how time flies (and age increasing, yikes)

2009...

A year full of many events happened in my plain life.

Sorrow, joy, happiness, heartache...full package all in one.

January 2009...emotionally recuperating after the death of Aba Jang...beloved son, brother, uncle and granduncle to the family.

February 2009...most favourite Grandma, laid to rest. Though she is gone, she is never forgotten. I still have her name with me. Mid-February, Sindy got married. She broke the curse..hehe..hopefully more good news from her this year.

March 2009...work..work...

April 2009..stressed..work..

May 2009..Went touring with Pamelyn to Europe. Had the best time of my life looking at beautiful places and buildings. Then later, the end of the month...I just couldn't take it anymore..that's it...Lie still, lie still, my breaking heart...My silent heart, lie still and break.

June 2009...work..work...

July 2009...stressed peaked.

August 2009...fell for a guy..begins a new love.:)

September 2009...work again...travel to Miri, Bario and Long Lamai. An eye opener for me about rural communities.

October 2009...Flew to San Francisco. Hated the long flight...the place, hmm..I love Paris more.:)

November 2009...more work..travel..yet, very happy.:)

December 2009...Amy got married, yey! Wonderful wedding and had a great time dancing with colleagues at her reception.hahaha..Biam got married to Jay (*wink*) Finally that alway-bullying-me-since-i-was-four guy is settling down. Had a wonderful time with family on Christmas day..Aba Jang..wished you were with us.


2010..what's in it for me?

My new year's resolutions??hmmm...been trying to write them down according to priorities...too many of them.Oh well, just go with the flow..Life is like a box of chocolate, you'll never know what you're gonna get. But the most important thing to do in my life, love myself more..

-Peace out-

Goodbye holiday...hello work..

Tomorrow is the beginning of the new semester.

Which means..back to work.

Lecture, research, mark, counsel, admin work, cycle starts again.

I want more breaks...:( Sorry friends, if I didn't reply any work emails. I just need a break.

Haishh....

Think positive of the things need to be done at work...

New Year is coming soon in exactly...4 more days!

need to write out my new resolutions! Next post...what I have achieved this year.:)

A Christmas Tree and a dog called Primo

Today is the most exciting day of the week..ok, the week just started, exaggerated a bit.

My leave starts today until Christmas day (only..) and maybe I will extend til Monday. Anyway, this morning I finally put up my Christmas tree!!!!yeah!!!!! With Sydney just next to me, I decorated my tree with silver ornaments + gold leaves + some other colourful ornaments. I put two coffee tables together and covered them with a green velvet cloth then, I put the Christmas tree on the two tables.waaah...lagi tinggi.heheh...Now it's up, so what it needs next is presents. FYI, I have yet to start my Christmas shopping.ok, tomorrow lah. I'm just happy that it's up and the lights are so colourful. I'm thinking of adding another set of lights, muahahahahaha...

Next, around 4 pm, I picked up Primo from one of the local pet shops nearby. He's a German Sheppard dog and he's just three months old. My other half decided to take him home after we saw him yesterday in the pet shop. Though he's just three months, he's already quite tall, but a bit skinny. When I arrived at the pet shop today, the shop assistant took Primo out of his cage and let him go. I quickly called him to come to me, but he was not familiar with me yet and so he just went around the shop, happy that he has been freed from his small cage. I caught him when he got to where I stood and "introduced" myself by rubbing his head and spoke to him in a calm voice.  Then, he reached out to me by standing on his two feet and started to lick me for a few seconds. After that, he got down and run around the shop again. One of the shop assistants had to hold him for me while I made the payments and bought his essential things like leash, some food and food bowl. I was talking to my other half on the phone to explain about the payments in the shop then suddenly I just realised that he was staring at me with a very curious look. I just smiled at him...his ears are long and both were standing up so straight.

Later, I put him in the backseat of my car with the help of the shop assistant and prayed that he wouldn't jump around in the car. And so, we were off to my home while waiting for my other half to pick him up after work. Miraculously, he was very obedient. A few times I checked him using my rear view mirror while I was driving on the way back, he was either sitting on one side of the seat while looking outside or just plain lying down. But, I could see that he was still nervous about the whole thing. Like...as if he's thinking..What's going on?Where is this old lady bringing me to?hahahaha.. When we reached home, I opened the door for him to come out, but he refused to. Sydney, my other dog, was in the parking area. She was curious of what was going on in my car. I called Primo out, then after some time, he jumped out. Sydney was excited...She barked a few times then she moved towards Primo to "sniff" him. Primo was scared, he wanted to jump into the car again.kesian....masih baby....scared of 'little' Sydney.

I gave him some water for him to drink then I let him move around the compound. Slowly, he explored, sniffing around and then he quickly went back to me. He was still scared about the new environment. I wanted to go inside the house to get some water for myself and when I was about to enter the house, he wanted to follow me in. I had to stop him from doing so, so I shut the door grill so that he couldn't come in. Boy, he was jumping up and down and whining and pushing the door grill while I was inside the house. So, I had to bring my cup along and stood outside the house to be with him. One time, he was sitting between my legs...awww...

My other half came around 6pm. I told him to come to the parking area of my house to "introduce" himself to Primo. Introduction didn't take much time. Primo was licking him just after a minute. It was like as if both of them had known each other for a long time and they were now reunited.hahahha..

After a while, it was time to say goodbye to Primo. He will now be brought to his new, permanent home and that's where he's gonna stay. I placed some towels on the backseat of my other half's care to prepare him for his ride. After that, my other half put him into the car. I said my goodbye by rubbing his head and cheeks for a few seconds then I closed the door. I said goodbye to my other half and the next thing I know, both men are gone. I just smiled...I think they're gonna be just fine.

I hope to meet him again and see how much he has grown.:)

What a great day. A Christmas tree and a dog that has a new home..:) :)

Letting it all out...

Haven't been able to blog for a while...been busy..and having a mental block over some work.

Have you ever been in a situation that you always think about unnecessary stuff in which resulted you cause someone or people to get so worried?

Have you ever been so insecure about your life that you wished that your friends or family would never go away?

Have you ever wished that your life is like a fairy tale and everything else is so easy to do?

Have you ever wished that people would just understand that you want to have a break?

Have you ever pushed someone to their limits over something?

Have you ever wished people would stop asking you when are you going to settle down?

I have...for most of the questions...I have. I have never felt so down like this in my life at this moment. I just wished that people would be able to understand what I want and what I don't want in my life. I may look happy, because I'm good at hiding that with my wide smile. Only God knows how low my level of happiness right now, which reminds me I haven't been to church for quite sometime.

Why is it sometimes you just can't get what you want?You worked your a** out...you waited...you've gone through the same thing..but then, you are still stuck where you are. Then, you see others so easily get what they want without much effort.

As someone who is extra emotional, thanks to PMS, you need some love.When you need some, people say you're too demanding. I don't need money..I can afford an LV..so money is not a problem for me..I just need some love. Susah ka?

I don't want to let people down..especially the ones I love.Sometimes I hurt them unintentionally with my words. Sometimes, I speak without thinking (ada ka?). But I speak the truth and sometimes, truth does hurt and I wished to take back all those things that had been said because I let them feel bad.

I just hope people would stop asking me when I will settle down especially during weddings. Seriously, I don't know. Not that I don't care..I just don't know. I love the person that I am with wholeheartedly right now and I do wish that he would propose to me one day. But, I don't know when he's going to do that. I do want to get married and settle down and have 4 kids. Have I discussed about this? yes..am I pushing him? With all the pressure around me, yes. Am I pushing him to the limits? I think I am and I may be pushing MY own self to the limits by all this pressure. There you go..I think too much. So help me not think by stop asking me when I will get married. That's a research question that can't be solved by anyone, even those nobel prize winners. There's no methodology that can be applied to help to solve the question. So yeah...stop asking. I don't want to lose him.

I try to please people in every way that I can..do my job as good as I manage to..be a good listener..be a good friend...be a good daughter...etc...etc...etc...But it seems everything is just plain not enough for some. Some people want more from me and sometimes the things they want is something that I can't do, but I just can't say no cause I'm scared that I would hurt their feelings...or I show that I can't perform well.

I want to have a break, but I still have some work to do. A Merry Xmas indeed for me.

My day in the US embassy Kuala Lumpur

Had my US visa interview today...and I passed it and need to collect the visa and my passport tomorrow. (yey!!)

 After delaying for weeks to settle my visa, finally I got it and I thought it was tough to get through the interview. I was prepared, alright..paid my visa fee (twice!!please don't ask me why...sob sob...), prepared all the necessary documents, which despite all the preparation, the guy at the counter didn't even bother to look at my very neat,organised clear holder file. It is even more organize than my fail meja, okay?

Woke up at 6.10am, got ready by 6.45am and off to the embassy. Thanks to Pame and her fiance, I reached the embassy before 8am. There weren't many people at the gate, I think it was less than 3. So, we all entered the security room for body and bag inspection process. The process was like the one we go through in the departure hall. I had to leave my handphone with the security guard because it is not allowed to be brought into the building. But, no need to worry, everyone was given a tag for the items they leave with the security guard. After that, I was allowed to enter the compound area of the embassy. I didn't really notice the compound because I was already nervous about what questions they will ask me later.  

Are you thinking of bombing US once you get in the country? 

-No..I don't know where to buy a bomb or make one-

Do you think you are smart enough to present a paper at the reknown university?

-A bit..is that enough to answer the question?-

Do you think you have enough money to buy a cup of Starbuck's coffee in US?

-My university will sponsor me that-

Do you think....

-yes?-

Okay, enough of the nonsense..Continue with my walk to the main building. Okay, once I enter, there's another security guard. This guard looked very garang. He instructed everyone to enter the door of the building one by one as he need to check again the contents inside our bags and each of us need to go through the body screen machine,again. Then, each of us were given a ticket. My number was 35.pheww...at least it's less than 50.

We all entered the waiting room. Aaahh...then, I saw a lot of people. But, still okay lah..maybe around 15 people in the room. I waited about 10 minutes or so, then I heard my number was called. Just like the one in the bank. Okay, I went to another room across the previous one. Aaaaaaaaaahhhh...more people. I think it was about 30 or so.I had to go to a counter (just like in the bank) and pass all the necessary documents : passport, appointment letter, fee receipt and application form (itu sahaja). Then, the lady behind the counter (and window glass) told me to sit down and wait for another call. There were 9 counters all together.

Everyone was with their documents, flipping through once in a while, checking their tickets, staring at the muted TV (not watching, staring) and waited for their turn. I, on the other hand, started to bite my nails. The interview was done in that room at counters 2, 3 and 4. So, I and the most of the people in the room, could here what kind of questions they ask. All the questions are different, and so, made it more difficult to predict what the interviewer will ask ME later. But, I observe that for those who plans to visit US in one family, the interview time was longer compared to those traveling alone. The interviewers could even speak Mandarin to the applicants. I was amazed because the interviewer is an ang moh. Boleh tahan...

After about 15 minutes, I heard my number was called. I proceed to counter 9 and had my fingers scanned. Finish that, the lady told me to sit down and wait again for my number to be called...belum abis gik.. Then, I sat down next to an old Indian lady. She greeted me and we started to chat for the next half an hour. She was traveling alone, too to the US to visit her son and attend a seminar. She asked me lots of questions and told stories about her life...hahaha..and she told me that I'm very young to travel alone to the US.HUH?young indeed...hey, lady...I'm old enough to get married and have 10 children. I didn't say that..I just smiled at her. :P

I lost track of time, and suddenly my number was called again. Ok, here goes the interview..at counter 4. An old guy..looked garang, too. When I got to his counter, he said this..

Old guy :  You look excited...

Me : Yes...

Old guy : and nervous..

Me : hehe..yes...this is my first time applying..

Old guy : Well, don't be..Okay, what subject do you teach?

Me :  erm, Mathematics.

Old guy : How much is your salary per month?

Me : -- -- -.

Old guy : Okay, do you have a boyfriend, a fiance?

Me: hahha..oh, I laughed out loud..

Old guy : It's okay..it's okay to laugh? So?

Me: Erm...fiance, no..boyfriend, yes..hahaha..

Old guy : You didnt expect this kind of question?

Me: No..hehe...

Old guy : Okay, so, what is it about your paper your presenting in San Francisco? It's a very nice place and a good university.

Me: It's on mathematical model of malaria....blablabla...

Old guy : okay... (I think he doesn't get what I said)...So how long have you been in UNIMAS?

Me : Five years (2004-2009)

Old guy: Okay, just a question.. Do you think, you are more of a Malaysian or a Sarawak (ian)?

Me: erm.. I would say, Sarawakian..

Old guy: yeah, I thought so, too. The people over there really get along very well..bla..bla..bla..So, the 1Malaysia concept doesn't get to you, yet?

Me: erm..No.hehehe..

Old guy : It's okay...just a general question. anyway, have a nice trip, I'm sure you'll love San Francisco.

Me: Oh, thank you...have a nice day!

Old guy : you, too.

So.......that was my conversation with the old guy. Less than 5 minutes. Didn't even look at my file..hayah...anyway, luckily I got through it.

Tomorrow have to go to Wisma MCA to get my passport and visa..hayah...

Next Sunday, 20 hours flight to US!arghhhhh.....Think positive, Sarah...think positive..

Adios :)

Fell out and in....LOVE

I fell out of love for someone whom I thought I would end up marrying, a few months ago. Well, the relationship was already rocky for quite sometime already. I just didn't have the courage to end it much earlier and neither did he. But, you just knew something wasn't right when you start to push yourself to understand the other person, where as, you forgot to understand your own self...about what you really want and how you want the person to understand you.

Telling you endlessly to have patience and...wait.

Yeah...I waited alright. But, when there's no more effort / plan to be with / see you a.k.a commitment a.k.a I want to focus on my work right now, don't you think it's time to leave? And not only that... I didn't feel any love anymore but only sadness.

I respect those who could be in a relationship (not marriage) for a long time, and still end up marrying and live happily ever after. But, I didn't think I could stay any longer (plus it's a long distant relationship).

And so, I fell out of love and I was the one who got the courage to actually end the relationship. It was tough, going through it on your own...not telling anyone, but thanks to family, workload, and friends...I survived. For the first few weeks, I thought I made a wrong decision, looking for signs for me to go back to him but, I didn't see any and nothing showed me that I made a wrong decision. Instead, I felt so much relieve that I don't have to think about him.

I didn't want to tell anyone, but, what the heck...let bygones be bygones.

Then, now...a few months later...not a few...just recently...am no more single...

Never thought I would fall for this guy. But, yeah..I did and still am. How long this thing will last? Not sure....I fell out, and there may be possibility to fall out again, too. But, I will not let it happen again because of the obstacles I went through to be with this one (and more to come).

As long as I know what I want and I am happy (veeeerrrrrrryyyyyyyy)....then, who knows? We plan, but God will be the one who decides everything.

Bak kata cerita Melayu, "Kalau dah jodoh, takkan ke mana2..." Tapi, mun sikda effort nak cari, or plan mok kawen, jodoh ya sampei bila-bila lah jadi jodoh ajak.

Wish me luck! :)

Venice....MY city of love ---}--<@

I haven't finish my Europe tour report, ok? Here goes...Venice, Italy. (Italian music in the background)

I fell in love with this city, immediately...

The buildings were unique. You feel as if you are in a romantic movie (except that you're traveling with your friend.heheh...sorry Pame). Every picture you take is beautiful. People are smiling and enjoying themselves. Okay, enough about that...

That's the gondola. We didn't get to use the gondola to go around the island because it was expensive. I couldn't recall how much, but, yeah..expensive. Unless you plan to travel in style and you've got your banker with you.hahaha..

And so, Pame and I decided to use the ferry instead to travel around the city.Yeah..packed with tourists. There are other options, though...walk or swim.

We met two Malaysians at the Venice airport, CK and Puspa (heheh...almost forgot his name) . One of them noticed Pame's bag (Someplace in KL was written on the bag and I gave up to remember what was it) while we were waiting for our backpacks and so, conversation started and we ended up touring the city together. They traveled the same route like Pame and I; started from London then to Barcelona, then Venice and then their next trip was Paris!hahaha...what a coincidence. The guy in blue(above) is Puspa and CK is the one next to him. CK is damn rich..but very down to earth.

We had our dinner in a Chinese restaurant. I know...I know...travel across the globe and ended up eating Chinese food. But, I was craving for nasi! I ate fried rice!!Hooray!I couldn't recall the taste..I think it was ok..asalkan nasi, bolehlah..

Then, we decided to hangout. Puspa wanted to go to a pub, but we didn't have a good map to show exactlty where, but we saw an open air corner where some teenagers hanging out drinking beers and sort of like dancing to some techno music played by a DJ. Well, I assumed they were in their teens 'cause they look like Avril Lavigne and Jonas Brothers.hahhahaha... Anyway, we didn't stay there(thank God...), instead, we went to another place to drink Italian red wine. I like!

Next morning, we traveled around the city and hop on hop off islands. As this place is famous for the Phantom of the Opera and masquerade ball, and so, there were lots of masks sold. From a size of a keychain to a size of a ...erm...face (doh..).

We had lunch in one of the shops, in one of the islands ( bad report, I know..I couldn't remember) and I had my lasagna.aaaahh....this one I can remember the taste. It was NOICE!! We also had white wine:)

There was a reason for this...The wines are much cheaper / same price with other drinks and therefore, since this was once in a lifetime experience of having a good wine in a great place, what the heck, right?

I love this sign!!How true can this be, I do not know.

Someday, I'd like to own this. I will park mine in front of the waterfront and when I feel like going to the other side of the Sarawak river, I'll just jump right in and start my engine.hedeh...angan-angan Mat Jenin. But, seriously, it was nice to see the Italians use this. No roadtax, noparking summons...ok what?

We walked some more until both my feet had blisters. No regrets!

We went to Murano glass shops. I bought some of these :)

Saw a church.

Ate gelatos...:)) It was cheap!Yummy! The ice cream man also not bad:))

Tempting,right?

This place was just beautiful. It was a different experience compared to Barcelona. I felt safe here. People were in love and smiling everywhere. What else did I do here?Oh, I found my Hard Rock cafe shop and bought my Hard Rock cafe T-shirt here.:)

We had a wonderful and friendly cook at the hotel where we stayed. He made our buffet breakfast every morning and he liked to play music in the 80s on the radio in his kitchen. A very charming guy. I didn't take any pictures of him to share, though.sorry...hahah..

All in all, I just loooooooooooovvvvvvveeeee this place. I will definitely go here next time, but I'll bring along 'someone'. This is definitely a place to go for honeymoon (provided you have a banker with you).

Phewww....Another place to report about..Paris!

Ciao ---}--<@

What is wrong or right being single again?

I wrote a list of signs of getting older before and I just thought maybe I should try to answer that question. (Read my 20 Signs of you're getting older) So, here goes...

1. You will feel lonely. No calls....no hugs...no yang lain-lain lah.

2. When you hear the song "You make me feel like a natural woman" by Aretha Franklin, you will feel like throwing the mp3 player to the wall.

3. Your phone bill will reduce drastically. hmm...great?

4. You will think that you are a loser. Why didn't I do it earlier?

5. You will think of ways to get busy and not think of how miserable you are because you're single again. hahahahhaa...

6. You will think of any sinful thought like, hmm...I think I want to become a lesbian..Easier to handle, I think.

7. Once you put the single status on Facebook, you will get harassed with neverending questions.

8. You will need to prepare a script when your friends start to question the reasons of being single again.

9. You will start to check for any wrinkles on your face. hahahahha..

10. You will start thinking of ways to be desirable to men or...women. I'm laughing me head off.

11. You will practice to dance desirably (without hurting yourself) to the song, "1,2,3,4...uno, do, tres, quadro..I know you want me...you know I wantcha...". Just in case you need to dance to the next person you like! I'm killing myself by laughing!

12. You will write this list of answers. ehem...

13. But the best is, you will start to appreciate whoever is around you better.

I'm bored...I need to entertain myself. It's hazy and hot and I can't think of how to write my next paper. Sigh...

A very sad drama

I watched a sad drama the other day. The story goes like this...

Sam was a girl who just got out of a very long relationship after she fell out of love... and to heal from the pain she focused on her work. She did every task given to her so that she could forget her past and move on with her life. One fine day, she noticed a guy named George. George was a funny guy who liked to crack jokes to people around him and was nice to everyone. In the beginning, both of them never got the chance to get to know each other as both were busy with work. Then one day, both of them got this one chance, they immediately clicked and then the chats became frequent. Sam felt something different when she talked / hang out with George and soon she finally realised that she had fallen for him. However, George was with another girl. Sam knew this, and she knew that she would be in trouble if she continued to chat with him. But, George became more excited to talk to her and this was torturing her.

Then one day, she confessed about her feelings for him. She didn’t know what she was doing when she told him about it. All she wanted to do was to let him know how she feels because the pain of not telling him was unbearable. She expected to be rejected because she knew he had a girlfriend. But, her expectation was wrong. Instead, George confessed that he had some feelings for Sam but he can’t let himself be more than friends as he had a girlfriend. Sam understood and she told him that she can’t hang out too often with him because she was scared that she would go overboard. But, George insisted on chatting/hanging out with Sam because he liked her company and also, he liked her as he felt happy to be with her. Finally, for Sam, after many months of feeling bad about herself, she was happy. Sam vowed to herself to not like him more than friends and hoped that she will not chat with him as often as before. But, both felt the strong feelings for each other and so, they continued to chat and hangout more. They were both crazy for each other, both misses each other when they didn’t see each other for a day, and both went out together for a few times.....and the other girl didn’t know about this. Yes, most of the time, Sam thought about the other girl’s feelings and she discussed with George about them going out together behind her back. Sam told George to tell the other girl about their feelings for each other.

Sam thought that she had a chance with George and to be in love again. But then, he didn’t have the courage to tell until, the other girl found out on her own. And so, explanation began....Sam thought George told everything to her, but apparently, he didn’t do much as he’s afraid that he will hurt her. George then told Sam that he couldn’t break the other girl’s heart because he couldn’t stand to see her cry. Sam cried...but not in front of him. Sam was now scared to lose him. The next day, the other girl then told Sam to back off, but, Sam knew in her heart that it’s too late to do so because she liked him too much to let go. So, Sam told the truth about their feelings for each other and even told her that it wasn’t her intention at all to hurt the other girl’s feeling. The other girl was upset and told her to forget about him. Sam couldn’t do this because.......she has fallen in love with George.

In the end, George made his decision...leave Sam...but he didn’t say it in front of her. It was through a letter...the reason was, he couldn’t possibly hurt the person that loves him for so long, he will learn to accept and love the girl. But little did this George know....how badly damaged was Sam’s heart. George wanted to stay as friends, but how in the world can Sam do that? She wished he had the courage to stand out for what he wants and not trying too hard to take care of other people’s feelings. And now, Sam felt so used...broken hearted....crushed...for the second time.. He decided to hurt Sam and move on. Maybe he did it because it only broke ONE heart.

Such a sad drama..I cried three days because of this. Is there never a chance for Sam to be with George or for George to be with Sam? What if they were meant to be together? What if both of them could have been happy together? Sometimes I think love can make people be foolish, selfish or selfless. The act of trying to fight for the guy that has someone else is foolish, but if she thinks that this is the one, then why not? Two broken hearted angels suffer in order to give way for others. I don’t know how Sam can heal herself from this kind of pain. Sedih eh..

Ole...Barcelona

Welcome to Barcelona...one of the famous cities in Spain. One of the non-English speaking cities in the world.yeah....had trouble to communicate with people here.

This is Catalunya. The city centre or, the heart of the city.Same like the cat statues near Riverside Majestic lah..Anyway, this was where Pame and I waited for her friend....erm..what's his name...s&$t.It's been a while, and my memory retention is getting low these days.

Anyway, this city was pack with a lot of people, especially tourists. A tour operator advised us to take care of our belongings because a lot of pickpockets happened around here..yikes, and it was only our first day.

Before that, both of us had our breakfast in a cafe outside our hotel.It was quite expensive and I had no idea on some of the things in the menu because it was written in Catalunyian language, so I had a hard time to decide what to order. Until I read something that said "hot dogs".

Captured this pic in the cafe. I think due to a lot of smokers around, so they decided to have vendor machines for ciggies.OOooh, how thoughtful..wonder what's the smoker's death rate?hmm..

I took this pic when both of us waited for the bus. The bus ride was damn expensive.Return ticket was 22euros!It wasn't that far!

This is one of the back alleys in the city. See the graffiti work on the shutters?not that nice, huh..The streets and alleys are not really clean. At some point, we had to hold or breaths while walking because we could smell pee and...saw poo..dunno whether it was dog poo, cat poo or, human poo.

We found the Barcelona Cathedral while walking along Las Ramblas (or La Rambla,some people say like this). It was magnificiently beautiful.Words can't describe the work that was done on the walls and the ceilings. I was speechless, yep...indeed I was.

We also stop by at a market called La Boqueria. Food!!hehehehe..so many fruits, so many types of chocolates, so many types of meat for people to buy!Look at the porks sold....nyum..nyum...

Bought a t-shirt here. Cost me 22.95 euros..yeah, expensive..but, worth it...adds to my collection.heheh..

I think this was a porn museum. I took this photo while walking along La Ramblas.Have no idea what's (or who's) inside there. I didn't dare to go.

I went to other areas, too in Barcelona. Saw human statues along Las Ramblas, had difficulty to look for directions as the people we met were not that friendly,or refuse to speak in English. We got ripped off by young girls when we walked to Hablo Espanol near Barcelona Stadium. They told us to sign for petition, then, when I was about to sign, I saw a column for contribution/donation. Damn, then..immediately, I know this is a scam. But we couldn't run away because they surrounded us at the stairs.Gave them f&*ki*g 2euros and they wanted more. I said no, I need the other money for my bus ride. so teruk laa..

To cut short (I'm tired) in three days, Pame and I covered most of the tourist spots. If I have a chance to go to Europe, I may not come here again.hehe...this is purely based on my opinion.

I end my post with my jump near the Barcelona stadium.

Next stop, Venice!My most favourite city..

My trip to Oxford City

Ok....I'm back...After CITA'09 last week, I can say now I'm a bit relaxed. So, off to blogging and continue with my report on my Euro trip.

In the bus to Oxford City. We almost missed the bus because in the itinerary did not state exactly which bus stop we should go to. Luckily we arrived early for the day. I had to run with my very hot, hot chocolate cup in my hands to get to the bus stop. But, see...I was smiling!

When we arrived, we saw very old buildings. They were very well preserved.

Found the university souvenir shop.Apa lagi, shopping la.

Some guy posed in front of a church door. Macam model.

Ok, I'm too lazy to post up pics one by one, so I made a collage of the pics.

Next post, Barcelona....

My first time in London.

We arrived hrmm..I can't recall what time in Heathrow Airport.The airportt was quite pack with people. I was a bit scared bout the swine flu and everything but thank God I'm ok.

So, I called up Diane and confirmed with her the directions to her house. It was easy to get to her house. We took the train and hopped on the Picadilly line train. On normal days the journey would take about an hour to reach Manor House station from Heathrow. However....on that particular day, the line was discontinued for maintenance. Both of us and also some other tourists I supposed didn't realise this, too, until we reached a station and everyone was asked to leave the train. Some station worker said that we had to get to another station if we want to use the train. So, we got out of the tunnel and walked to another station which took us about 10 mins to walk. I didn't mind the walk, but, I was carrying my backpack, and the bag weighed about 10kg.hehehe..why didn't I bring a trolley bag, you say?Not recommended for this kind of trip.

So, we took a train from another station but the train doesn't stop at Manor House. Closest stop to Manor House is Finsbury Park. Diane told us to get a cab from there to her place. Cab??$$$. Okay, as long as we reach her place. After another 10-15 minutes ride on the train we reached Finsbury Park. Got off the train and went out of the station to look for a cab. There was none. Asked around, and they gave useless directions. "You can get the cab from anywhere,"said one guy Pame asked. Like where?Yeah..we didn't see any. So we walked in front of the station, and there..was.. a cab stand!Why didn't we go there in the first place?I don't know..too tired and jet lagged. Cab arrived few minutes later and then about 15 minutes we reached Diane's house.

Sorry, Pame. I had to use this picture. I want to show her house. This was the best one I have. I was to tired to go out that evening, so both of us chat a bit with Diane and then dozed off. That's what I did on my first day in London..hahaha..

The next morning, we're off to the city. Took the train and then had breakfast at Leicester Square. Ok, let's talk about what happened at Leicester Square. We bought our breakfast from a shop then decided to eat at the square. We wanted to go on the Hop on hop off bus after that and the stop point is just around the corner. As I was about to eat my sandwich...PLOP..on my left index finger...bird poo.Yep....it's morning..and the bird just decided to do it's morning business above me. I thought it was just a drop of water..but...nooo...definitely poo.

Well, they say...if a bird poo-ed on you, it brings good luck. Well, I don't see any proof on this yet.Have you?Ok...enough about that. After we had our breakie, we bought ourselves tickets for the Hop-on-Hop-off bus tour.

I was so excited and I quickly went on top of the bus. It was COLD..and WINDY..and POLLEN-Y..I am allergic to dust and I kept on sneezing on the bus. But it was fun being on top of the bus!heheh..

Saw some old buildings. The commentor on the bus said something but I didn't pay attention.

Saw this, too at some street.

Our tour include a river cruise. So we must stop near the Big Ben.

I was really here!

The London Eye. I saw one like this in Singapore. Didn't ride on it coz quite expensive.

There's more...but I'm a bit tired of waiting for the pictures to be uploaded. Will post up some pics of Oxford, next!