Letting it all out...

Haven't been able to blog for a while...been busy..and having a mental block over some work.

Have you ever been in a situation that you always think about unnecessary stuff in which resulted you cause someone or people to get so worried?

Have you ever been so insecure about your life that you wished that your friends or family would never go away?

Have you ever wished that your life is like a fairy tale and everything else is so easy to do?

Have you ever wished that people would just understand that you want to have a break?

Have you ever pushed someone to their limits over something?

Have you ever wished people would stop asking you when are you going to settle down?

I have...for most of the questions...I have. I have never felt so down like this in my life at this moment. I just wished that people would be able to understand what I want and what I don't want in my life. I may look happy, because I'm good at hiding that with my wide smile. Only God knows how low my level of happiness right now, which reminds me I haven't been to church for quite sometime.

Why is it sometimes you just can't get what you want?You worked your a** out...you waited...you've gone through the same thing..but then, you are still stuck where you are. Then, you see others so easily get what they want without much effort.

As someone who is extra emotional, thanks to PMS, you need some love.When you need some, people say you're too demanding. I don't need money..I can afford an LV..so money is not a problem for me..I just need some love. Susah ka?

I don't want to let people down..especially the ones I love.Sometimes I hurt them unintentionally with my words. Sometimes, I speak without thinking (ada ka?). But I speak the truth and sometimes, truth does hurt and I wished to take back all those things that had been said because I let them feel bad.

I just hope people would stop asking me when I will settle down especially during weddings. Seriously, I don't know. Not that I don't care..I just don't know. I love the person that I am with wholeheartedly right now and I do wish that he would propose to me one day. But, I don't know when he's going to do that. I do want to get married and settle down and have 4 kids. Have I discussed about this? yes..am I pushing him? With all the pressure around me, yes. Am I pushing him to the limits? I think I am and I may be pushing MY own self to the limits by all this pressure. There you go..I think too much. So help me not think by stop asking me when I will get married. That's a research question that can't be solved by anyone, even those nobel prize winners. There's no methodology that can be applied to help to solve the question. So yeah...stop asking. I don't want to lose him.

I try to please people in every way that I can..do my job as good as I manage to..be a good listener..be a good friend...be a good daughter...etc...etc...etc...But it seems everything is just plain not enough for some. Some people want more from me and sometimes the things they want is something that I can't do, but I just can't say no cause I'm scared that I would hurt their feelings...or I show that I can't perform well.

I want to have a break, but I still have some work to do. A Merry Xmas indeed for me.

My day in the US embassy Kuala Lumpur

Had my US visa interview today...and I passed it and need to collect the visa and my passport tomorrow. (yey!!)

 After delaying for weeks to settle my visa, finally I got it and I thought it was tough to get through the interview. I was prepared, alright..paid my visa fee (twice!!please don't ask me why...sob sob...), prepared all the necessary documents, which despite all the preparation, the guy at the counter didn't even bother to look at my very neat,organised clear holder file. It is even more organize than my fail meja, okay?

Woke up at 6.10am, got ready by 6.45am and off to the embassy. Thanks to Pame and her fiance, I reached the embassy before 8am. There weren't many people at the gate, I think it was less than 3. So, we all entered the security room for body and bag inspection process. The process was like the one we go through in the departure hall. I had to leave my handphone with the security guard because it is not allowed to be brought into the building. But, no need to worry, everyone was given a tag for the items they leave with the security guard. After that, I was allowed to enter the compound area of the embassy. I didn't really notice the compound because I was already nervous about what questions they will ask me later.  

Are you thinking of bombing US once you get in the country? 

-No..I don't know where to buy a bomb or make one-

Do you think you are smart enough to present a paper at the reknown university?

-A bit..is that enough to answer the question?-

Do you think you have enough money to buy a cup of Starbuck's coffee in US?

-My university will sponsor me that-

Do you think....

-yes?-

Okay, enough of the nonsense..Continue with my walk to the main building. Okay, once I enter, there's another security guard. This guard looked very garang. He instructed everyone to enter the door of the building one by one as he need to check again the contents inside our bags and each of us need to go through the body screen machine,again. Then, each of us were given a ticket. My number was 35.pheww...at least it's less than 50.

We all entered the waiting room. Aaahh...then, I saw a lot of people. But, still okay lah..maybe around 15 people in the room. I waited about 10 minutes or so, then I heard my number was called. Just like the one in the bank. Okay, I went to another room across the previous one. Aaaaaaaaaahhhh...more people. I think it was about 30 or so.I had to go to a counter (just like in the bank) and pass all the necessary documents : passport, appointment letter, fee receipt and application form (itu sahaja). Then, the lady behind the counter (and window glass) told me to sit down and wait for another call. There were 9 counters all together.

Everyone was with their documents, flipping through once in a while, checking their tickets, staring at the muted TV (not watching, staring) and waited for their turn. I, on the other hand, started to bite my nails. The interview was done in that room at counters 2, 3 and 4. So, I and the most of the people in the room, could here what kind of questions they ask. All the questions are different, and so, made it more difficult to predict what the interviewer will ask ME later. But, I observe that for those who plans to visit US in one family, the interview time was longer compared to those traveling alone. The interviewers could even speak Mandarin to the applicants. I was amazed because the interviewer is an ang moh. Boleh tahan...

After about 15 minutes, I heard my number was called. I proceed to counter 9 and had my fingers scanned. Finish that, the lady told me to sit down and wait again for my number to be called...belum abis gik.. Then, I sat down next to an old Indian lady. She greeted me and we started to chat for the next half an hour. She was traveling alone, too to the US to visit her son and attend a seminar. She asked me lots of questions and told stories about her life...hahaha..and she told me that I'm very young to travel alone to the US.HUH?young indeed...hey, lady...I'm old enough to get married and have 10 children. I didn't say that..I just smiled at her. :P

I lost track of time, and suddenly my number was called again. Ok, here goes the interview..at counter 4. An old guy..looked garang, too. When I got to his counter, he said this..

Old guy :  You look excited...

Me : Yes...

Old guy : and nervous..

Me : hehe..yes...this is my first time applying..

Old guy : Well, don't be..Okay, what subject do you teach?

Me :  erm, Mathematics.

Old guy : How much is your salary per month?

Me : -- -- -.

Old guy : Okay, do you have a boyfriend, a fiance?

Me: hahha..oh, I laughed out loud..

Old guy : It's okay..it's okay to laugh? So?

Me: Erm...fiance, no..boyfriend, yes..hahaha..

Old guy : You didnt expect this kind of question?

Me: No..hehe...

Old guy : Okay, so, what is it about your paper your presenting in San Francisco? It's a very nice place and a good university.

Me: It's on mathematical model of malaria....blablabla...

Old guy : okay... (I think he doesn't get what I said)...So how long have you been in UNIMAS?

Me : Five years (2004-2009)

Old guy: Okay, just a question.. Do you think, you are more of a Malaysian or a Sarawak (ian)?

Me: erm.. I would say, Sarawakian..

Old guy: yeah, I thought so, too. The people over there really get along very well..bla..bla..bla..So, the 1Malaysia concept doesn't get to you, yet?

Me: erm..No.hehehe..

Old guy : It's okay...just a general question. anyway, have a nice trip, I'm sure you'll love San Francisco.

Me: Oh, thank you...have a nice day!

Old guy : you, too.

So.......that was my conversation with the old guy. Less than 5 minutes. Didn't even look at my file..hayah...anyway, luckily I got through it.

Tomorrow have to go to Wisma MCA to get my passport and visa..hayah...

Next Sunday, 20 hours flight to US!arghhhhh.....Think positive, Sarah...think positive..

Adios :)

Fell out and in....LOVE

I fell out of love for someone whom I thought I would end up marrying, a few months ago. Well, the relationship was already rocky for quite sometime already. I just didn't have the courage to end it much earlier and neither did he. But, you just knew something wasn't right when you start to push yourself to understand the other person, where as, you forgot to understand your own self...about what you really want and how you want the person to understand you.

Telling you endlessly to have patience and...wait.

Yeah...I waited alright. But, when there's no more effort / plan to be with / see you a.k.a commitment a.k.a I want to focus on my work right now, don't you think it's time to leave? And not only that... I didn't feel any love anymore but only sadness.

I respect those who could be in a relationship (not marriage) for a long time, and still end up marrying and live happily ever after. But, I didn't think I could stay any longer (plus it's a long distant relationship).

And so, I fell out of love and I was the one who got the courage to actually end the relationship. It was tough, going through it on your own...not telling anyone, but thanks to family, workload, and friends...I survived. For the first few weeks, I thought I made a wrong decision, looking for signs for me to go back to him but, I didn't see any and nothing showed me that I made a wrong decision. Instead, I felt so much relieve that I don't have to think about him.

I didn't want to tell anyone, but, what the heck...let bygones be bygones.

Then, now...a few months later...not a few...just recently...am no more single...

Never thought I would fall for this guy. But, yeah..I did and still am. How long this thing will last? Not sure....I fell out, and there may be possibility to fall out again, too. But, I will not let it happen again because of the obstacles I went through to be with this one (and more to come).

As long as I know what I want and I am happy (veeeerrrrrrryyyyyyyy)....then, who knows? We plan, but God will be the one who decides everything.

Bak kata cerita Melayu, "Kalau dah jodoh, takkan ke mana2..." Tapi, mun sikda effort nak cari, or plan mok kawen, jodoh ya sampei bila-bila lah jadi jodoh ajak.

Wish me luck! :)

Venice....MY city of love ---}--<@

I haven't finish my Europe tour report, ok? Here goes...Venice, Italy. (Italian music in the background)

I fell in love with this city, immediately...

The buildings were unique. You feel as if you are in a romantic movie (except that you're traveling with your friend.heheh...sorry Pame). Every picture you take is beautiful. People are smiling and enjoying themselves. Okay, enough about that...

That's the gondola. We didn't get to use the gondola to go around the island because it was expensive. I couldn't recall how much, but, yeah..expensive. Unless you plan to travel in style and you've got your banker with you.hahaha..

And so, Pame and I decided to use the ferry instead to travel around the city.Yeah..packed with tourists. There are other options, though...walk or swim.

We met two Malaysians at the Venice airport, CK and Puspa (heheh...almost forgot his name) . One of them noticed Pame's bag (Someplace in KL was written on the bag and I gave up to remember what was it) while we were waiting for our backpacks and so, conversation started and we ended up touring the city together. They traveled the same route like Pame and I; started from London then to Barcelona, then Venice and then their next trip was Paris!hahaha...what a coincidence. The guy in blue(above) is Puspa and CK is the one next to him. CK is damn rich..but very down to earth.

We had our dinner in a Chinese restaurant. I know...I know...travel across the globe and ended up eating Chinese food. But, I was craving for nasi! I ate fried rice!!Hooray!I couldn't recall the taste..I think it was ok..asalkan nasi, bolehlah..

Then, we decided to hangout. Puspa wanted to go to a pub, but we didn't have a good map to show exactlty where, but we saw an open air corner where some teenagers hanging out drinking beers and sort of like dancing to some techno music played by a DJ. Well, I assumed they were in their teens 'cause they look like Avril Lavigne and Jonas Brothers.hahhahaha... Anyway, we didn't stay there(thank God...), instead, we went to another place to drink Italian red wine. I like!

Next morning, we traveled around the city and hop on hop off islands. As this place is famous for the Phantom of the Opera and masquerade ball, and so, there were lots of masks sold. From a size of a keychain to a size of a ...erm...face (doh..).

We had lunch in one of the shops, in one of the islands ( bad report, I know..I couldn't remember) and I had my lasagna.aaaahh....this one I can remember the taste. It was NOICE!! We also had white wine:)

There was a reason for this...The wines are much cheaper / same price with other drinks and therefore, since this was once in a lifetime experience of having a good wine in a great place, what the heck, right?

I love this sign!!How true can this be, I do not know.

Someday, I'd like to own this. I will park mine in front of the waterfront and when I feel like going to the other side of the Sarawak river, I'll just jump right in and start my engine.hedeh...angan-angan Mat Jenin. But, seriously, it was nice to see the Italians use this. No roadtax, noparking summons...ok what?

We walked some more until both my feet had blisters. No regrets!

We went to Murano glass shops. I bought some of these :)

Saw a church.

Ate gelatos...:)) It was cheap!Yummy! The ice cream man also not bad:))

Tempting,right?

This place was just beautiful. It was a different experience compared to Barcelona. I felt safe here. People were in love and smiling everywhere. What else did I do here?Oh, I found my Hard Rock cafe shop and bought my Hard Rock cafe T-shirt here.:)

We had a wonderful and friendly cook at the hotel where we stayed. He made our buffet breakfast every morning and he liked to play music in the 80s on the radio in his kitchen. A very charming guy. I didn't take any pictures of him to share, though.sorry...hahah..

All in all, I just loooooooooooovvvvvvveeeee this place. I will definitely go here next time, but I'll bring along 'someone'. This is definitely a place to go for honeymoon (provided you have a banker with you).

Phewww....Another place to report about..Paris!

Ciao ---}--<@

What is wrong or right being single again?

I wrote a list of signs of getting older before and I just thought maybe I should try to answer that question. (Read my 20 Signs of you're getting older) So, here goes...

1. You will feel lonely. No calls....no hugs...no yang lain-lain lah.

2. When you hear the song "You make me feel like a natural woman" by Aretha Franklin, you will feel like throwing the mp3 player to the wall.

3. Your phone bill will reduce drastically. hmm...great?

4. You will think that you are a loser. Why didn't I do it earlier?

5. You will think of ways to get busy and not think of how miserable you are because you're single again. hahahahhaa...

6. You will think of any sinful thought like, hmm...I think I want to become a lesbian..Easier to handle, I think.

7. Once you put the single status on Facebook, you will get harassed with neverending questions.

8. You will need to prepare a script when your friends start to question the reasons of being single again.

9. You will start to check for any wrinkles on your face. hahahahha..

10. You will start thinking of ways to be desirable to men or...women. I'm laughing me head off.

11. You will practice to dance desirably (without hurting yourself) to the song, "1,2,3,4...uno, do, tres, quadro..I know you want me...you know I wantcha...". Just in case you need to dance to the next person you like! I'm killing myself by laughing!

12. You will write this list of answers. ehem...

13. But the best is, you will start to appreciate whoever is around you better.

I'm bored...I need to entertain myself. It's hazy and hot and I can't think of how to write my next paper. Sigh...